Here's the deal

September 21, 2017

A few days before my appointment in August to look at my eggs, that is when the darkness hit. Lost of hope and fear enveloped my soul.

Last week I discovered I wasn't pregnant. I didn't really think I was; but a few days before I tested I started thinking "just maybe." But then on Day 28, I whipped out a couple of pregnancy tests.


My heart sunk. And it's still sinking further. But then yesterday was a light among the darkness. For the first time in awhile I felt happiness again. I smiled, laughed and just had a good day.

I don't take those days for granted anymore.

Feeling happy is something I've struggled with since ever losing Rowan. So happy days, I'll take it and run with it. They don't happen all the time. So when it does, I soak up the moment.

What caused me to be happy?

It was a photoshoot with my mom for an article about fall fashion. We laughed and giggled. My mom has a soul that shines bright. I'm so grateful for that. I love my mom so much!

So I'll hold onto this happiness and hope, and run with it!

Second Round

I started my second round of Clomid on Monday. Wowzers. I really haven't felt any side effects, except it has helped with my acne. It did last time, too.

So I really didn't want to do this second round. Ah, I just wanted to be done. I even texted that to my husband. But then I helped out with a church activity that was held for girls ages 8-11 and their dad. It changed my mind. Seeing those dads and daughters, I really want that for my husband and me.

So I'll keep preserving in this journey.

I bought an ovulation kit yesterday. It's just waiting time for game day - ovulation day!

East Texas Gives Hope

I am starting a local organization called East Texas Gives Hope. On Oct. 7 I am hosting my first event.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Being an advocate for a cause is something so dear to me; this is my cause now.

There will be a walk for hope, games for families and a butterfly release.

There's still a lot to be planned. But I'm really excited about it.

I made a Facebook page for it. You can like the page here.

I'll post more about the event as the day gets closer.

Pregnancy tests

Pregnancy tests are a trigger for me.

Weird, right? Maybe not so weird. It's been a hard year; lots of pregnancy tests taken. Like, a lot.

When they're in the house I go a little mad. I'll take a bunch at one time. I'm just an over-obsessing person. So I truly do obsess over it.

So I'm grateful this cycle I don't have to go to the doctor to do an ultrasound and blood work. The less they obsess about it, the less I do, too.

Also, even though it sucked not being pregnant last cycle, it was the first 29-day cycle I've had in over a year. Realizing that helped me calm down a bit.

So I do have a pregnancy test in my house, but I'm doing okay with it right now because I know there's no way I could be pregnant.

I don't know how life will work out, but I have dreams. And I'm working towards those with one Clomid pill at a time, plus a little hope, too.

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