Dear Rowan

December 17, 2018

Dear Rowan,

Today I imagined if you were here.

I imagined we would be planning your two-year-old birthday party soon.

I would already be in planning mode. It would probably be zoo themed. There's no doubt about that. It would be such a fun-filled day. Happiness, family and lots of presents, lots of them.

It's almost Christmas, Rowe. You would start to know Santa Claus, get excited to see Christmas lights, and I would probably sing a Christmas Carol or two as I rocked you to sleep, my boy.

Rowan. My sweet Rowan.

You are missed than words can express.

Seeing little ones having birthdays and baby announcements, it always make thinks of you. Last night, I just cried. Your dad held me in his arms. It just hurts sometimes.

You are loved and you are missed than you'll ever know.

Somehow, somewhere - maybe there's a way for you to read this letter.

I can't believe it's been over two years since I said good-bye (for now) to you. I love you so much, son.

Life would be wild with you in it. Nearly two-years-old. You would be chasing the cats, knocking down my favorite figurines. We would have to make the house child proof. It's not right now!

I would take you to the zoo every Saturday. We would see the lions, tigers and alligators.

This weekend I took your cousins Owen and Cooper to play at the park at the zoo. Cooper and I heard the lions roar. They were so loud. Lions are my favorite. One day, Rowe, maybe we can take a walk around the zoo.

If you were here, I would probably have sleepless nights, and you might even have a winter cold. Your mema, papa, and your cousins are finally getting over theirs. We might even be at the doctors. That's not a fun thought. Just realistic!

Rowan, I wonder what you would look like. I bet you would have blond hair and blue eyes; you would be tall like your daddy. Or maybe just normal height, like me. But most likely, you would be tall.

New Year's Day is my favorite holiday to celebrate. I love new beginnings and fresh starts. It's also the start of my birthday month. Plus, your dad's birthday is in January, too. You were also suppose to be born that month.

Life would be so different if you were here. Your dad and I were talking yesterday about what life will look like with a baby. He said, it would be different for the first few weeks, and then the child would adjust right in with our lives.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, we never dreamed that we would have to adjust to a life without you.

Even though I can imagine what life would be like if you were here, the fact is that you're not. You're in Heaven, probably playing with your grandmother or grandpa. Even though it's hard and there are moments when it's hard to go on, I will. For you. For our family. For your dad.

I love your dad so much, Rowe. Us three, we're family. Even though we are separated for now, it won't always be that way. One day, a beautiful, glorious day - we will be reunited.

For now, my son - know you are loved and you are missed than words could ever express.

Merry Christmas, Rowe.


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